OK, maybe today’s South Carolina primary isn’t the most exciting one in politics. This is merely the day that you cast a ballot for your favorite Republican or Democrat.

But today’s results are important in that they will help each party determine its candidates for the general election in November.

Unfortunately, voter turnout tends to be low in primary elections. So as a way of encouraging all potential voters to head to the polls, we’re publishing the 2004 Talk About Town Voters Guide. This should answer all your basic questions about the process.

• Where are the polling places?

We don’t have enough space to list all of them. Your best bet is to simply get in the car and drive to every elementary school, recreation center and church in your neighborhood until you can find one that lets you vote.

• Will I have to stand in a long line at the polls?

Not unless they start selling NCAA Super Regional baseball tickets.

• What do I need to bring to the polling place?

Your voter registration card would be a good idea. But if you can’t find it, make sure that you have your Piggly Wiggly favorite customer card with you. Not only is it universally recognized at polls across the state, but it also allows you the opportunity to earn Greenbax rewards when you cast a ballot.

• How often can I vote?

This isn’t the Internet, pal. You can vote only once.

• What if I have my dead uncle’s Piggly Wiggly card with me?

Then you can vote twice.

• When will the runoff election be?

If nobody in a particular race receives a majority, the runoff will be held in two weeks (June 22). And if the runoff ends in a tie, the two candidates will settle it with a best two-of-three series of Rock, Paper, Scissors.

• Can I vote a straight Libertarian ticket?

Only if you’re a straight Libertarian.

• Do you expect politicians to be kissing babies in front of polling places today?

No, they’ll be squeezing piglets in each arm. So don’t stand too close.

• Is there anyone you’re personally endorsing this week?

USC baseball coach Ray Tanner. For whatever office he wants.

• Who’s running for the Mayor of Importantville?

Gov. Mark Sanford is engaged in a fierce battle with the House Republican leadership for this very important office.

• Is former Gov. David Beasley really running for the U.S. Senate?

Yes, the Beaz is sprinting hard in a close race for the GOP nomination against five other competitors. If he wins, he’ll automatically advance to the 100 meter finals at the Olympic Games in Athens in August.

• Is former Gov. Jim Hodges back on the ballot anywhere?

No, but he did take on a behind-the-scenes political role as an administrative assistant on the Talk About Town Voter Guide. Hey, Jim, could you hustle up and get us another refill on this coffee?

• Who are the four candidates in the GOP primary for House District 78?

Uh, we’ll have to get back to you on that one.

• But isn’t this supposed to be a comprehensive voter guide?

Now you’re starting to annoy us with all these pesky questions. Go bother a poll worker.

• What’s the point of even having elections now that Strom Thurmond and Fritz Hollings are no longer on any ballots?

Well, now that you mention it, there is no point. Wait, hang on, elections remain very important in our democracy. Now get out there and do your civic duty.

• Should I do my civic duty even if it means my vote is going to cancel out your vote?

No, we’d prefer that you stay home then.

Reach Talk at (803) 771-8643 or e-mail ntwhite@thestate.com.