Halloween is knocking on the door this weekend. That can mean only one thing, of course:

It’s time for Talk About Town’s annual Top Tips for a Happy Halloween, which we publish in this space every other year.

Halloween, as everyone knows, is that special holiday where people teach their children to put on masks and hold up the rest of the neighborhood using thinly veiled threats. That’s why it remains one of Talk’s favorite nights of the year.

You actually have the legal authority to show up unannounced on anybody’s porch and demand that he give you candy. Best of all, you can use kids to do your bidding. Let’s face it: Who’s going to turn down a sweet-faced 6-year-old dressed as a ballerina who pleadingly holds out an orange plastic bucket?

(We would do the trick-or-treating ourselves, but Talk can no longer squeeze into that tight little ballerina outfit.)

All right, let’s get to those tips to guide you around the block.

• If you go dressed as songstress Ashlee Simpson, you must carry a tape recorder that says “Trick or treat!” as you lip-sync the words. (On a related note, we hear Simpson is going out dressed as a real singer for Halloween.)

• If you go dressed as a gay teacher, please, whatever you do, don’t stop by Jim DeMint’s house unless you’re looking for a stern lecture about your unfitness to trick-or-treat.

• If someone does toss a couple of extra boxes of Milk Duds in your bucket, you are still under no obligation to help them rearrange their living room furniture.

• If you dress up as a Capital City Bomber, don’t stop by the home of Mayor Bob, who will drop a rock in your bag as USC president Andrew Sorensen giggles in the bushes.

• If Gov. Mark Sanford shows up at your door dressed as Ataturk again this year, slam the door in his face and tell him to get a new costume.

• If your mom tells you to stop eating so much candy, let her know the Food and Drug Administration ruled last month that Fruit Roll-Ups were now technically classified as actual fruit.

• If anybody appears a little too stingy passing out treats, shine your flashlight directly in her eyes, tell her you’re with the U.S. Department of Justice, and confiscate her entire tub of candy by citing Provision 7-A of the Patriot Act.

• If someone in a Foghorn Leghorn costume shows up at your door doing this pitch-perfect impersonation, make sure you say, “Happy Halloween, Sen.Hollings!”

• If anybody tries to give you a toothbrush and literature on oral hygiene instead of candy, it’s perfectly acceptable to stuff his head into the hollowed-out pumpkin on the front porch.

• If you show up at the Governor’s Mansion dressed as a giant piece of mold, you can expect Jenny Sanford to alert SLED agents to arrest you.

• If a little guy in a Lou Holtz mask comes to the door, tell him to come back after he beats Clemson.

• If you dress up as a lawyer and homeowners grant your motion for candy, it’s allowable to hand them an invoice for billable hours to cover the time you’ve spent on their property.

• If anybody tries to give you leftover Easter candy, it’s fair game to egg their house.

• If Leon Lott comes to your house dressed as a Hooters girl asking for a donation to the Richland County Sheriff’s Foundation, you are not required to put the money in his “cleavage.” No matter how many times he asks.

• If a roving band of toughs menacingly walks behind you for several blocks, you’re better off running rather than turning around in your Mr. Spock costume and threatening them with a Vulcan nerve pinch.

Got that? Be safe, everyone. If you have any problems, feel free to call us here on the Talk About Town Candy Accumulation Center hot line.