COLUMBIA--If the state Senate had to agree on every dollar South Carolina spends, well, the good news is that there wouldn't be a budget crisis.

We'd never spend a dime.

That's the bright side of the second dismal week of the Senate budget debate, which has featured endless combinations of Democrats and Republicans sparring over where the money should go and whether taxes should go up. A sampling of the debate:

Sen. John Land, the Democratic leader, noted that state employees haven't had raises in three years, but that hasn't stopped an average of 3 percent inflation. Land said that amounts to a pay cut that, coupled with a proposal to raise health insurance premiums, is going to devastate the state's workforce.

"I believe you've whipped them into shape. They know you mean business now," Land said, blasting the Republicans for opposing Sen. Tommy Moore's plan to dig the state out of a $1 billion budget crisis with a 2-cent sales tax increase.

"I, too, want to do something for state employees," Senate Finance Chairman Hugh Leatherman said, "but if you don't have the money, how do you do it?"

By the end of the week, the carcasses of several tax-increase and tax-swap plans cluttered the Senate floor, including Gov. Mark Sanford's income tax reduction in exchange for a cigarette tax increase and Moore's plan to raise the state sales tax by 2 cents. Still, there was no deal.

But, just like in a bad horror movie, sometimes the dead come back. Most senators say that every one of those plans will be back on the table when the budget is passed.

That "when" should be qualified to an "if." There is some debate on how long it will take these guys to get all talked out and do something. The great thing for reporters was that they could slip out of the Senate for, say, five or six hours, come back and find that nothing had changed.

Some Senate staffers have begun to whisper that they are living in their own hellish version of "Groundhog Day," the Bill Murray movie about a man forced to live the same day over and over again (In "The Matrix," it's called a deja vu). Hey, was that Jake Knotts walking by again?

Perhaps the most tedious part of the debate has been points of order rulings on various amendments, which are raised to stop amendments. A common point of order: Tax plans seek to change permanent law, which cannot be done in an appropriations bill. Wake up, this is almost over.

With the Senate stuck spinning its wheels, debating the rules, Sen. Verne Smith, R-Greer, said the chamber had finally hit rock bottom.

"We are suffocating under our own rules, and we cannot function," Smith said, blasting his colleagues. "We've got to work something out instead of acting like eunuchs."

He said it.

AND THE WINNER WAS ...

With the Senate at work on the budget Tuesday night, the House had to play itself in the regularly scheduled annual House-Senate softball game.

Sensing that would be the case, House members agreed in advance to play an intramural in absence of their foes from across the aisle (only Sen. John Kuhn, R-Charleston, left the budget debate for the game).

The game was not really competitive, and no one seemed to remember the score the next day. But then, the players had all the bragging rights they needed:

They could honestly say that the House team won.

INTO THE WELL

Noting that he often gets more attention from the well than the dais, House Speaker David Wilkins made a rare floor speech to gently scold lawmakers about their decorum.

Although he was politic enough to not mention any names, he was talking about the previous week's incident between Reps. Leon Howard and John Graham Altman III. After Altman voted against Howard's bill to require covered drinking straws in South Carolina, Howard marched over to the West Ashley lawmaker's desk and called him, among other things, a "racist bastard."

Wilkins reminded his colleagues that there was a live audience present, and they also are on public television. Come to think of it, though, SCETV might lobby against a kinder, gentler House. More fights might improve the ratings.

Wilkins, showing his gift for managing the egos of House members, asked that they try to remain courteous and said, "I'm going to try to do a better job of maintaining decorum."

In other words, House members, please cuss each other out in a low tone of voice and take your fistfights outside.

STICK TO THE TOPIC

It is a safe bet that state Rep. JoAnne Gilham has been booted from the gubernatorial press conference guest list.

On Thursday, as the governor and legislative leaders announced a series of internal changes to the hated Department of Motor Vehicles, Sanford was his usual cordial self, inviting just about anyone who wanted to speak a turn at the lectern. He particularly called on Gilham, R-Hilton Head, who had worked on the DMV task force that had helped come up with the ideas. But Gilham wanted to talk about something else.

With the assembled state media focused on the podium, Gilham launched into a five-minute-plus tirade urging the state Senate to pass the .08 DUI legislation, which would lower the legal level of blood alcohol content a person can have to drive a car.

Drowned out briefly by the sound of two dozen reporters dropping their pens, Gilham continued on until someone found a hook to pull her away.

Sanford, who supports the .08 legislation, nevertheless looked at the assembled group of politicians carefully before asking, "Does anyone else want to talk ... about the DMV?"

RENT FREE

The House last week passed Rep. Wallace Scarborough's bill to bar school districts from charging rent to charter schools. That measure is part of legislation establishing discipline guidelines for charter schools, which includes the provision that a charter school board can refuse admission to a student expelled or suspended from another school.

"I thought it was ridiculous that the Charleston County School Board was threatening to charge rent to James Island High School," Scarborough, R-James Island, said. "It is a public school just like any other, and it was built with taxpayer money."

The bill appears to be on the fast track in the Senate.

WORKING MONDAY

This week, the Senate is expected to pick up its budget debate in a rare Monday session, and the House is expected to continue waiting for them to finish.

Contact Brian Hicks at (843) 937-5561 or bhicks@postandcourier.com.