Talk’s not out there looking for a new job, but it never hurts to keep your options open.

That’s why we occasionally like to peruse the want ads, just in case there’s an opening that catches our attention.

We’ll admit there isn’t a whole lot we’re qualified to do. It’s not as if we have a medical degree from Duke, a law degree from Harvard, or a Ph.D. from MIT. Heck, we’re not even sure what “Ph.D.” or “MIT” stands for.

But we do have a background in fiction writing that would serve us well in any profession. And we also worked one summer during college at the Montgomery Ward automotive center. So we have that going for us, which is nice.

Let’s take a peek at a few listings.

ATHLETIC DIRECTOR. State university in capital city seeking iron-fisted individual to run athletic department of Southeastern Conference school. Ability to intimidate part-time mayor a plus. Must dislike professional hockey. Must hate professional baseball. Actually, must disdain all pro sports, including the NFL. Should be able to hire — and fire — big-name coaches. Winning records preferable but not a requirement. Gruff and single-minded not necessarily disqualifying characteristics. Should be quick with a compliment for university president’s bow ties. Apply in person at The Roost. No phone calls, please.

AGRICULTURE COMMISSIONER. Southern state searching for person to lead department that assists farmers. Preferred candidates should not support illegal activities such as cockfighting, unless it involves Cocky roughing up the Georgia Bulldog. Extortion and lying to law-enforcement officials also not approved behavior. Must be knowledgeable about eggs, feed, seed and gasoline. Should be able to sing all the lyrics to the “Green Acres” theme song. Candidates must be able to entice local counties into bidding war over new State Farmers Market. Send resume to M. Sanford at the State House.

U.S. ATTORNEY FOR SOUTH CAROLINA. State looking for chief federal prosecutor to toss bad guys into slammer. Famous name not a requirement but definitely wouldn’t hurt. Neither would having a legendary father. Must have prosecuted a minimum of seven cases on the local level. Youthful appearance a bonus. Must be able to work closely with FBI, CIA, SLED, DEA and David Caruso on “CSI: Miami.” Please direct all inquiries to Sen. Lindsey Graham at McCain for President ’08 headquarters.

FAMOUS BAND. Struggling music festival in capital city pursuing big-name act to top bill. Must not be a has-been. A hit record since the Carter administration would be nice. Should be easily identifiable to music lovers of all ages. Ability to attract a massive crowd at 35 bucks per head a big plus. Should have no former members of Herman’s Hermits, Grand Funk Railroad, Styx or the Backstreet Boys in your group. Former “American Idol” contestants also need not apply. Right act will be rewarded with perks such as free trolley rides, “Where Friendliness Flows” bumper stickers and all the mustard-based barbecue you can eat. Fill out online application at festival Web site.

SCHOOL SUPERINTENDENT. Capital city school system searching for energetic leader to guide large district. Must be able to quote Dr. Seuss and Shakespeare. Should know enough algebra to compute per-pupil costs. Must administer a growing battery of standardized tests mandated by lawmakers who couldn’t spell “PACT” if you spotted them the P, the A and the C. Must contend with a governor who wants to cut financing in order to give money back to small minority ready to bail out on public schools. Ability to handle pesky parents and troublesome teachers a plus. Contact Rich Landone at the blind box number.

Hmmm, not sure whether we’re a good fit for any of these job descriptions. Guess we’ll just have to stick to writing.

Reach White at (803) 771-8643 or ntwhite@thestate.com.