Choosing a primary position at the polls

Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow Monday. That, of course, can only mean one thing: six more weeks of winter.

Thankfully, however, Sen. Fritz Hollings didn’t see his shadow, which means South Carolinians aren’t going to see six more weeks of politicians.

In fact, by the end of today’s Democratic primary, the skies — and the airwaves — should be clear of political patter for a while. The campaign moves on to other states once our voters head to the polls to pick their favorite Democratic presidential aspirant.

It appears to be a very tight race between John Edwards and John Kerry, with the other five candidates trailing badly. For instance, the best Joe Lieberman can hope to do is finish in another “three-way split for third,” or, in layman’s terms, fifth. (By the way, the Super Bowl was so close that Lieberman proclaimed the Carolina Panthers finished in a “two-way split for first.”)

But at least prospective voters no longer have to sign a loyalty oath at the polls before they can vote. The Democrats pulled the plug on that one after catching considerable heat. (Apparently, you were going to have to sign in blood, too. They were originally going to have a registered nurse at every polling place to prick the fingers of voters.)

However, Talk has learned the Democrats have come up with other methods of guaranteeing voter loyalty. That’s right, you’re not off the hook yet. When you arrive at the polls, you’d still better be able to demonstrate your bonafides. After all, they don’t want those sneaky Republicans slipping in and voting as a group for Dennis Kucinich.

So here are the Top 10 Things You Have to Do At The Polls to Prove You’re A Loyal Democrat:

10. State the full names of FDR, JFK and LBJ.

9. Produce a Glad bag filled with Al Gore’s uncounted chads from the 2000 election in Florida.

8. Shout out the names of the states with upcoming primaries. (Howard Dean voters only.)

7. Spell Harpootlian correctly without giggling through the “p-o-o-t” part.

6. Recite John Edwards’ stump speech verbatim.

5. Show the tasteful “I Luv Jim Hodges” tattoo on your left ankle.

4. Wink when you say your last name is Riley and whisper that Dick and Joe sent you.

3. Pull out the receipt that proves you crossed over and voted for John McCain in the 2000 Republican primary.

2. Flash the sun-shaped metal nipple decoration on your right breast. (Janet Jackson only.)

And the No. 1 Thing You Have to Do At The Polls to Prove You’re A Loyal Democrat:

Say you think Bill Clinton is the greatest president in American history.

Do any of those things, and you’re in for sure. Be forewarned, though. It works both ways. Here are the Top 10 Ways to Get Turned Away From the Democratic Primary:

10. Wear a “Rush Rocks” T-shirt.

9. Run a string of red lights on Assembly Street on the way to the polls. (Andre Bauer only.)

8. Show up with a Fox News camera crew.

7. Tell poll workers you live in Lexington County.

6. Ask if write-in votes for conservatives will be accepted.

5. Insist you’re “not that David Beasley” when your driver’s license is scrutinized.

4. Blame your GOP lapel pin on a “wardrobe malfunction.”

3. Keep telling everyone in line that Spiro Agnew got a raw deal.

2. Demand a tax break before you vote.

And the No. 1 Way to Get Turned Away From the Democratic Primary:

Say you think George W. Bush is the greatest president in American history.

Call Talk at (803) 771-8643 or e-mail ntwhite@thestate.com.